Reality Sets In

For the longest time, I have shopped at a store called Catherine's.  This store had everything I needed-clothes for work, relaxing clothes, bras and underwear.  More importantly, they had all that in my size.  A little over a month ago, I walked into Lane Bryant for the first time in about 20 years.  That was a very exciting experience for me.  It was also very daunting.  The idea that I could fit into "normal" sized clothes at a LB was outside my realm of reality.  Yet, there I was-buying clothes.  Even more bizarre was the fact that the clothes I bought were not the largest size that LB offered.

This weekend, I decided that my shorts I have been wearing for the last five years were just ridiculous looking and that I needed some new ones.  I wanted to be frugal and buy shorts that came with an elastic band, so I could maybe still fit into them next year, or, at the very least, not have to buy more at the end of the season.  I had my birthday coupons, extra percentage off coupons, and an "in store only" coupon/check all set for Lane Bryant.  I walked in and asked them for knit, elastic banded shorts.  No dice.  They said that they only offered twill and tweed.  WHAT??!!  How could a large size clothing store not offer comfort and elastic??  So, Love of My Life and I left LB.

The store next to Lane Bryant was JC Penny.  I turned to Love of My Life and said that I wanted to see if I could fit into something from a normal store.  He grabbed my hand and said that we would go in, but I should not have my hopes too high.  He wasn't being mean.  He was trying to keep me realistic.  I marched into Penny's found the Maternity section and then the WOMEN section that is blended into Maternity.  I have never understood that.  What idiot decided that plus sized women want to shop next to maternity clothes??  What idiot decided that pregnant women would want to be lumped in with plus sized women??  It doesn't make any sense.  The plus sized section is miniscule, as is the maternity section.  However, there is no separation between the two.  For me, at least, it takes a little while for me to realize I'm looking at a maternity t shirt and not a plus sized one.  I don't know.  Is that supposed to shame us big girls?  The other message being sent is that the natural beautiful state of pregnancy just means that the pregnant woman is considered fat.  Neither message is a pleasant one.  Someone should write to Penny's and point out that with obesity rates sky rocketing they need more choice, a larger section, and that maternity clothes should go elsewhere-perhaps next to the infant section.

I digress....again.  I found shorts.  I bought shorts.  I got two pair of shorts for less than one pair would have cost at Lane Bryant.  I fit into shorts from a "normal" store.  If I wanted to, and had the spare change, I could go into any store I wanted and buy clothes.  I now have choice.  I now have options.  I now have the ability to say, "I don't like how this looks, let's go to the next store."  I no longer have to say, "This looks stupid on me, but it's the only thing in my size, so I have to buy it."  The second statement typically came with a huge sigh when I looked at the price tag.  I can participate in the One Day Sale or the Door Buster Sale, or any other sale at any store!  There is also no point in me going and buying everything I see, because in another three months, those clothes won't look right either.  So, now I have to implement my inner cheapskate and only buy what I absolutely need at the best possible price.

The reality is that I have lost a lot of weight.  My body has changed.  I can fit into clothes that I choose rather than pick the best of the worst in my size.  It's exciting and daunting at the same time.  I am going to wind up creating a whole new style for myself.  I have no idea what looks good and what does not look good.  What might look spectacular now, may look ridiculous in another 50 pounds.  This is going to be an interesting, and probably not cheap, adventure.

Does Stress=Eating?

Simultaneously, everything and nothing is happening. The weather has been holding out a bit.  We had a couple days of ridiculously warm days.  It actually hit 80 twice!!  But, things have settled down and are back to a more typical warming into Spring feeling.  It didn't snow, which did surprise me.

I have been looking for a job for about a month.  The pressure is on at the current job to hurry up and work somewhere else.  I get it, but job hunting is very stressful because I don't really have experience that matches up with my education.  I know I'm an amazing employee.  Getting that to the employers is difficult.  Once I'm in the interview, I'm golden.  I am easier to sell in person.

My brother's wife died.  It was sudden and unexpected to some, especially my brother and his children.  I have been taking care of the fallout to my children from her death.  My girls were especially hurt because they were very close to her but also shielded by Love of My Life and me.  We did not want them to experience the full impact of her, so we protected them the best we could. 

My joints seem to have calmed down a bit.  I had pushed up the level of work I was doing in the gym, and I think that really adversely affected my joints.  Since going back down to the last level of resistance, my joints don't hurt as much.  I'm going to have to be careful.  I am going to have to accept the level of exercise I am doing and just back off increasing the resistance for a while.  Bike riding season is pretty much here, so I will be doing other things than going to the gym.

I am almost done with my second class with the second Masters degree.  I realized, again, that I do not need another degree, nor do I really want one.  I've got to stop doing that.  I know I enjoy education, but I just need to stop for a while and start paying off that monster loan.  In the mean time, as I've been taking the class, I've added to my stress levels.

So.  With everything that is going on in my life, have I returned to old habits?  I don't think I have.  Since I still don't really care about eating, I'm only eating at designated times.  I haven't really changed what I'm eating, lately.  I'm still really enjoying the Greek yogurt with Kashi GoLean, flavored Greek yogurt, and whatever for dinner.  I'm treating myself with one slice of bread per week with peanut butter and sugar free jelly on it.  The bread is extra fiber, the peanut butter is extra protein, and the jelly adds the moisture I need.  The only thing that the stress is truly bringing me is a lack of sleep.  It seems no matter what I go through, sleep is where I lose.

Plane ride next week.  We'll see how THAT goes!

Spring Came Early

I'm holding my breath, here in mid-March.  I've turned the heat off.  The windows have been opened.  Spring has been threatening for several weeks.  I have had too many snowbound Easters to believe that Spring has truly arrived just yet.

For about a month I have been fretting about my hair.  I casually mentioned to both sisters that I was thinking about cutting it.  Their reaction was exactly the same.  "As long as you are doing that, do something about your eyebrows."  Nothing quite like sister love!  So, two weeks ago, I stopped into the one spa in my cornfield.  They had an opening for waxing, but they did not cut hair.  But, they said that I was in luck, because the woman who does the waxing is a certified cosmetologist and worked at a hair salon down the street.  So, as I nervously had scenes from The 20 Year Old Virgin (because, you know, I'm 40 and never been waxed) going through my head, I talked to the woman about cutting my hair.  She said some nice things that sounded like what Sister from NY told me to listen for.  Then she ripped out my eyebrows.  Not entirely.  Everyone agrees that I have a lovely natural arch.  I do not look permanently surprised or scared.  It wasn't too terrible.  Fortunately, I don't have to do it all the time.  I'll probably be doing it once a month.  Then I made the appointment to cut my hair for the following week.  I had about 14 inches cut off.  Not enough to donate to Locks of Love, but definitely enough that needed to come off.  The woman did a fantastic job.  You'd think that by now I'd be used to someone different looking out the mirror at me, but the hair cut was such a dramatic change that I couldn't tell if I liked it or not.  I knew about halfway home that I LOVED my haircut.  It's short.  It's easy.  It's fun looking.  Between my eyebrows and hair removal I look about ten years younger!  A new me!  I deserve it!!

This month's support group meeting was about exercise.  I can honestly say that I'm regularly going to the gym Mon., Wed., and Fri. during lunch.  I cannot ever say that I'm going three days a week, because then I just won't go.  I do need to add in a bit more.  Federal guidelines show that to be healthy, one should exercise 150 minutes per week plus strength training.  I've started exercising during commercial breaks.  Of course, I don't watch much television because I'm balancing in another graduate degree and trying to find another job in with family and work.  There really isn't a lot of time for me.  Anyway, I'm trying to add in the exercise time.  I'm also starting to have a lot of joint pain.  I don't know if it's because I'm pushing myself so hard on the days I exercise or if it's because my joints are not getting time to adjust to carrying less weight.  My hips are bearing the brunt of the pain.  Every time I stand up, I hurt.  In the morning, my shoulders, ankles,  and knees crack really hard and really loud.  I don't know how long I'll have to let that go before I start talking to the professionals.

My fear of flying is about to get challenged.  This is happening a lot faster than I anticipated, but it's all good.  I'm going to visit Friend at the Beach in South Carolina.  She moved there about two years ago.  I really miss her.  She has been asking me to come down pretty much since she got there.  I have one day off, and I'm going to take it.  I fly out on Easter Thursday and come home on Easter.  It's a pretty busy time, so I'm really worried about what is going to happen.  I don't want to be in the middle of my plane switch only to get grief. 

Time to get back to working on finding a new job.  This one is slowly killing my soul.

Did NOT see that coming!!

Ok.  So, at this point, it should be obvious that I did my research prior to even seeing my doctor and saying, "Hey, I want to do this surgery."  I had extensively read, on and off, for years about varying procedures, successes, and what life is like for the post-surgery patient.

I have had some great successes.  I can sit in just about any chair in the office without wondering if I have to twist around to get myself into it.  I am going to the gym in the basement of work during three lunch hours per week pretty regularly.  Some of my pajamas are falling off me, so I only put them on right before hopping into bed. 

I have also, to be honest, had some failures.  I have eaten things I should not.  I have learned to listen to my body, so I'm not eating until I throw up.  I stop as soon as I don't feel "right."  I easily forget my vitamins, which could, left unchecked, wind me up in the hospital.  I allow myself to feel left out at work.  We often have food and it's what a lot of people call "fun" food.  At an outing the other day, I sat at a table with six other people who were eating pizza, soda, and nachos.  I felt really uncomfortable because I was the odd man out, and we were working on team building!  **sigh**  I felt badly that I was doing what was right for me.

I went ahead and weighed myself this week.  I have lost 65 pounds, so far!!  That is A LOT of weight!  I am just tickled that it's coming off like it is.  I am pretty sure that I'm losing about a pound a week.  As long as it's coming off, I think it's alright.  A more telling exercise for me was I put on my coat, today.  Last year, as with previous years, when I put on my winter coat, I would struggle a bit to get the zipper hooked and then it was a pretty snug fit.  I have been avoiding my winter coat this year.  Mostly, I hate snow and cold.  If it's cold enough for me to need the winter coat, then I am not happy because I can't stand the snow.  Literally.  I fall down every time it snows.  Well, I put the winter coat on, today.  I was swimming in it.  I felt like some 9 year old kid going out in their Daddy's coat.  It totally does not fit!  I asked Love of My Life if I looked ridiculous in a too big coat.  He said it was fine.  Then, I tightened the waist string.  He told me to keep the string loose, because the coat looked ridiculously big with the waist accented.  I do SO love him!

I still worry that I have lost all the weight I am going to lose.  There is no logic in the world that is going to get me relaxed about that.  I also cling tightly to the fear of gaining the weight back.  It is very easy to do.  I think I would really have to get comfortable with dumping and push my body to get past the dumping, to gain the weight back.  It is still a rational fear.  As long as I cling to the fear, I think I will keep myself in check.

The next HUGE thing for me to experience will be flying.  I cannot imagine how it will feel to walk into an airport and not have the fear and dread that some airline representative will "helpfully" suggest I buy a second ticket.  They do it.  Most are not so helpful or pleasant about it, either.  I can't imagine what it's going to be like to fly with just one ticket.  I'm also curious about the experience of flying without a seat belt extender.  Obviously, that experience is far, far away.  I have NO vacation or sick time left and NO money to go anywhere, if I did. 

In the mean time, I have an enormous jacket I have to get on to take the puppers for a walk!

More Than I Can Handle?

Both pre- and post-operative I take on more than I probably should.  When I was a home school parent, I took on teaching three, and then one of my kids.  In addition, when I home schooled, I continued my education getting my Masters degree.  When I took on the prep work for my surgery, I was also looking for a new job, sending my oldest off to college, getting the two still home through high school, getting ready to adopt a greyhound, and holding Love of My Life's hand as he watched his mother die.

Now, post surgery, I am looking at getting another degree, pulling the kids through high school, helping my returned college student figure himself out, and work 40 hours a week with an additional 10 hours in commute time. 

Do I take on more than I should?  Yeah, probably.  Do I take on more than I can handle?  No.  I'm pretty good at stopping when I've reached my limit.  As I know I've said in the past, "I don't have any more room on my emotional plate to care about ____ ."  Sometimes that makes me feel as if I've limited an opportunity.  Typically, though, whatever I'm not making room for is something that will not impact me directly.  Selfish?  Possibly.

My manager took me in for a meeting the other day.  She told me that I was a distraction for one of my neighbors.  My neighbor's calls were way down, calling her productivity into question.  My calls were off the charts.  My manager suggested that somehow, I have the skills to hold several conversations and be incredibly productive at the same time.  Her delivery lead me to believe that this irritates her.  I'm an uncontrollable factor in her highly controlled world.

The last 72 hours have been incredibly stressful.  I had to suddenly take a 600 mile car ride to collect my college student and bring him home.  The ride was through a winter storm.  The ride typically takes 11-12 hours.  I collected him and his belongings, went to the hotel, and then drove home through the tail end of the storm...all with little sleep.

During this harrowing drive, I mentally went through all my past behaviors.  Long drive and tired?  Grab some Diet Dr. Pepper.  Long drive and alone?  Grab a bag of chips and candy.  Even during the times I was dieting, this was pretty standard.  I might go with sugar free candy, a low carb option, or a jar of peanuts.  Not this trip.  I kept my B-12 handy, just in case I got a little tired.  Since I was powering through three states and trying to end my trip as quickly as possible, I did not stop to eat properly.  Instead, I made quickie pit-stops to get cheese sticks and nuts. 

Was that kind of trip too much, too soon for me?  Probably.  Was there an alternative?  Not really.  College student HAD to come home. 


Spending that amount of time with my mind was quite interesting.  I contemplated the ideas of soda, chips, and candy.  I contemplated skipping eating until I arrived.  I contemplated everything I can't do.  At the end of the contemplations, I realized that I really wasn't missing out on anything.  I also knew that skipping meals was not an option.

I also went through all the hurdles I've crossed over the last three months.  I took the children to the dentist.  There are small chairs at the dentist.  In the past, I have always stood in the office or hung around reception talking with the receptionists.  I didn't fit in the chairs.  This time, I sat!  I sat in the chair!!  I FIT IN THE FRICKIN' CHAIR!!  I almost fell out of a computer chair at work because I was busy twisting trying to fit into the armed chair instead of just sitting.  I feel good.  I'm working out at a fairly consistent rate.  I look good.

I am not taking on more than I can handle.  When or if I do, I know the channels I will have to go through for support.  Love of My Life always has my back.  It doesn't matter how irritated he makes me, he does love me.  I have my support group.  I have my therapist.  Most importantly, I have me.

Happy New Year!

My entire life, I have listened to people make New Year's Resolutions.  I remember in grade school, we had to make them as part of some silly writing exercise.  Mine were typically something like being nicer to my brother, work harder at school, be a better person, etc.  Once those ridiculous elementary years were over, I didn't have to pretend anymore.  Of course, in high school, all the girls would talk about how the new year meant they had to start watching their weight.  That got tiresome even faster than the writing.

I have no problems with the idea of resolutions.  It shouldn't take the start of a new year to make them, that's all.  There is so much emphasis on January being the "best" time to start making positive changes.  Look at the number of commercials for gyms that start immediately after Christmas.  How many of those gyms are bursting at capacity in January only to be empty by mid-February?  I don't think it's because people don't want positive changes in their lives.  I think it's because they emphasize that they can only make changes in January and once January is over and they don't see immediate change, they quit.

I made a resolution last year that I was going to have my surgery.  I went to all the classes and all the pre-operative doctor appointments.  I went to the support group.  I accepted that the positive change in my life was going to take time and a whole hell of a lot of effort.  This was NOT going to be easy.  I had my operation in October.  Almost three months post-op and I am still working hard.  I am not where I want to be, but I am making the effort to get there.  A change of life does not happen at the turn of a calendar page.  It happens when we are mentally ready to commit.

I have been working out regularly in the gym in the basement of my work building.  I go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I go specifically those days and not three days per week.  I've gone from 10 minutes to 25 minutes of treadmill and stationary bike.  I am now at 15th speed on the bike.  I cannot extend my time any more, because my work is a bunch of clockwatchers.  I can, as I have, increase the resistance on the machines I am on.  I had a co-worker ask me to go downstairs with her on Tuesday.  I said that I couldn't because I only go down M, W, and F.  She asked me why, and I told her the truth.  If I don't go those specific days, then the week will get away from me and I just won't bother.  She thought it was great that I was dedicated to going down those days and following through on those days.

Life at home is up and down.  My son is still home for his winter break.  He'll be going back to school in two days.  He still seems to expect to have pizza, chips, soda, and other crap in the house.  He doesn't really get how things have changed with food.  He likes the stuff I've been cooking and has helped himself to generous portions.  I don't think that he gets that this food I've been cooking is now the norm in the house.  The girls have adapted to life with the protein high foods.  I just get easily frustrated with everything because I am not chock full of sugar and caffeine to keep things moving.  Everyone is old enough now to be a help.  Still, if I am not running the show, everything goes in the crapper.  It's very frustrating and I don't see any way to fix it.

I Can Eat Anything.

Well, it's true.  I never would have thought I'd get to this point two months ago.  Suddenly, on the 20th, just one day past my two month mark, I realized that I can eat anything-pizza, popcorn, pretty much anything.  What I learned pretty quickly, though, is that just because I CAN eat anything, it doesn't mean that I can DIGEST everything.  So, yeah, I've been going through some dumping. 

The first time, it was kind of minor.  It felt like someone was stabbing me in the left side of my stomach over and over.  The feeling eventually passed, and I knew I wouldn't eat that food again.  Christmas was pretty rough on me, too.  Not because of an over abundance of foods.  My inlaws can't cook their way out of a kitchen.  Everything served was either chock full of sugar (cookies) and I wouldn't touch it, or dry (cheese, turkey, rolls).  So, I was there for about 5 hours not eating.  Then on the way home, we stopped at a Wawa to fill up on gas and get me something to eat.  Choices being limited, I picked out what I thought would be a decent meal for me-packaged cheese, grapes, and pita crackers.  I also wanted to try out a soft pretzel.  I ate all the cheese and grapes and a couple of the crackers and two bites of the pretzel.  I realized pretty quickly that the pretzel wasn't going to work, so I gave the rest to the kids.  I sat back in the seat, while Love of My Life drove us home.  Next thing I knew, I was dizzy, nauseous, exhausted, freezing and hot.  My entire middle hurt like I was being stabbed with a hot iron over and over in multiple places.  I thought I was dying.  Love of My Life kept asking if he should pull over, but I didn't want to move, so I kept being vague.  Fortunately, my son asked him to stop at the next rest stop for a restroom break.  After sitting parked for a few minutes, I decided that I wanted to see what would happen if I stretched out standing up.  Love of My Life had Oldest Daughter go with me, so if I did, in fact, pass out, she could let him know.  After taking about ten steps, I knew I was going to throw up.  The question became, was I going to get to the restroom in time.  The answer was no.  I found a garbage can on the way and emptied my stomach.  I got to the bathroom and emptied my stomach in the toilet.  I came out to wash my hands and it was as if nothing had happened.  No more soft pretzels, I guess.

I had researched quite a bit pre-operatively about everything, so I knew what dumping was.  Having experienced it both in a minor and major way, I have to say it's incentive to not eat the wrong foods.  I've been saying all along that I can eat pizza every day for the first 18 months and still lose weight, but after that 18 months, I'll start gaining everything back.  So, these 18 months are my training to eat correctly.  Yes, I can eat anything.  Do I want to?

Lack of Desire

So, I'm sure that anyone who is trying to lose weight or has tried will think this is a ridiculous concern, but try to understand it is a concern.  I have no desire to eat or drink.  I don't feel hungry.  I'm just eating because, apparently, I'm quite the crank when I don't.

Yesterday, I was eating a perfectly acceptable lunch of turkey wrapped around half a slice of Swiss cheese.  I make them so they are tightly rolled.  I cut them into the required pea sized bites and dip my fork into some Greek yogurt for additional protein.  I've been having two of these when I make them.  Half way through the first one, all I kept thinking was that I really didn't want to have to finish what was left.  After finishing the first one, I just stared at the second one, trying to will myself into eating it.  Instead, I wrapped it up to bring home.

My diet team wants me to ingest 60 g of protein every day.  I try really hard to make that happen.  To ensure that it does, I often skip my strawberry kiwi water and have a protein shake.  Since I'm at work, it became too cumbersome to cart my blender with me, so I started taking the Special K protein drink.  That worked for a while.  Now, I just can't be bothered to drink that, either.  I just don't have the desire.

I'm going to get to a scale today to find out just how much I've lost.  While losing weight is a nice side effect, that wasn't the reason for the surgery.  However, after the snide thought-free comments of some family members, I need a little emotional boost.

I made the burger bites again.  This time, I used a different onion and a little less meat.  They were still delicious.  I went to PF Changs over the weekend.  The black bean chicken is really really moist.  That worked out well.  We went there with Oldest Friend and her family after her youngest child's ballet performance.  All the kids had a wonderful time.  I can't ever remember not enjoying myself with Oldest Friend.  Still, I didn't desire any of the food.  I just ate a little because I knew the drive home was long and would be exceptionally dangerous without eating.

I'm guessing I just have to power through this.  It's what I do.

Fresh Starts

I have a couple new fresh starts happening to me.

I saw the surgeon. (I'm having flashes of Weird Al)  In the past 6 weeks I've lost 42 pounds.  This is not at all the easy way.  I'm being incredibly careful eating the right foods and the right portions making sure I don't drink and eat within 30 minutes of each other.  The doctor is very pleased with himself, so I'm fairly certain I'm healing well.  Any time a doctor is pleased with himself things HAVE to be well.

I was given the all ok to start exercising.  My fab office mate took me to the basement of our building and showed me the gym, how to unlock it, and how to use the machines on Monday.  On Tuesday, I slid into a change of clothes after lunch and got started.  I almost lasted 4 minutes on the elliptical machine and 11 on the treadmill.  That kicked my ass.  I was so tired and sore.  I had to be very careful and start slow.  I went ahead on Wednesday and did it again.  Now, my legs just ache.  It's a weird ache.  The pain started on Tuesday in the back, and somehow overnight moved to the front.  The fab office mate told me that she was very proud of me for going.  How can I not keep going, now??

I started cooking.  I tried one recipe from eggface and one from bariatric foodie. The baked-non-fried chicken strips seemed promising, but I just couldn't tolerate them.  I'm learning sooner when to stop eating something that does not agree with me.  I took the eggface recipe for burger bites and adjusted it to my families tastes, which means minus the peppers and minus the three types of onions.  I just made them with ground beef, one small onion, shredded swiss cheese, and lots of eggs mixed it all together and baked them in a mini muffin pan.  They were a-mah-zing!!  Even the fam liked them.  They're easy to reheat, too!

I'm trying to decide what the next degree is going to be.  My benefit kicks in next month.  I can't say no to a free degree...I just don't know which direction to go in...more on that later.

Where are my Boundaries?

It's a simple enough question, but not so easily answered.  Most people know where they begin and end.  I don't know anymore.  Pre-surgery, I knew where my wide hips began and ended.  Now, I don't know where I am.

I went for a walk at work during lunch, yesterday.  I'm up to walking around the building three times, now.  As I was walking, I felt as if I had ripples of fat and skin following me.  I jiggle...a lot.  I told Love of My Life that I'm no longer like a stuffed sausage ready to pop.  I'm like a deflated balloon.  I'm empty on so many levels. 

I don't quite know how to handle this.  I expected that the weight was going to come off.  That's happening.  I didn't expect to loose the feel of where I am.  I'm not losing WHO I am because I've never defined myself by how I look.

I'm starting to get a lot of compliments at work.  I don't know if the people I work with are super nice and are trying to be encouraging or if the people I work with are super nice and truthful.  Either way, I win, because I'm working with super nice people.

I'm still struggling to keep myself hydrated.  Eventually, I'll get it under control.  I've just got to keep working towards what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm still timing my meals.  I'm taking pea sized bites and chewing the heck out of my food.  No liquid 30 minutes before and after a meal.  I'm following all the rules.  I'm losing weight.  I won't know how much until my next doctor's appointment.  I'm trying really hard to not focus on the weight being lost and focus on the additional years with Love of My Life and Wonderful Children I've given myself.

Thanksgiving and a funeral

Well, even the best laid plans can get wrecked.  It's usually best to roll with the changes...especially if you cannot do anything about them.

The creation of new traditions is not typically an easy thing.  However, Love of My Life put things together so smoothly and touchingly, that our new Thanksgiving will be the one to follow from now on.  Love of My Life followed what I wanted and cooked a fabulous turkey breast.  Then he put an awesome spin on potatoes.  He chopped them up and threw them in a pan with chopped bacon, oil, and topped with sharp cheddar cheese to bake.  He does love to cook!

While the girls and I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I went ahead and peeled and chopped the apples for homemade applesauce.  I throw the chopped apples and a little water into the crock pot and slow cook them down into yummy and slightly chunky applesauce. 

After a delicious dinner, our family put the capper on a LOVELY day, and went to the movies.  We saw Alfred Christmas.  This was a delightful and sweet CGI cartoon movie.  There were no real surprises.  It was a quiet, gentle, yet enjoyable tale that the entire family just loved.

Overall, Thanksgiving went really, really well. 

On Friday, I did not get to go Black Friday shopping with my girls.  Instead, the family went to Love of My Life's mother's funeral.  She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of July and lasted until this week.  The wake and service were very tasteful.

The toughest part for me was the luncheon afterwards.  What could I possibly eat?  We had been on the road since 4 am.  I had half a piece of cheese for breakfast, and a protein water on the drive.  I was almost frantic with emptiness.  I could not even begin to guess what foods were going to be put in front of me that I might or might not be able to eat.  When presented with the choices for lunch, I had a chicken that sounded as if it was not fried or coated in breading.  I took two bites, and when Love of My Life asked how I was doing, I had to answer truthfully.  I could not eat the meal.  I needed to have a much wetter "dip" for the chicken.  It was tender, but just not moist enough.  I was really disappointed.  I'd had high hopes.  One of the daughters had flounder, so I tried that.  Definitely not something I would eat twice on purpose.  I had my meal boxed so it would look as if I hadn't wasted the meal.  Three hours later, and we were home again, where I could make a meal I could eat.

Getting Ready for Thanksgiving

I've been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading our first big holiday since the surgery.  We have broken all family traditions.  For the first time in my life, I'm not having Thanksgiving with my parents and various family members.  For the first time in about seven years, I'm not doing Black Friday shopping with my Mom.  Thanksgiving Friday has traditionally been a day to hang out with family, too. 

Everyone came to my parents' house for Thanksgiving.  I'm the youngest of four, so you start out with six and add in the various relatives and we typically had about 25-30 people in attendance.  Once my parents retired and moved, there were several changes made to Thanksgiving.  Siblings were too far away.  Cousins who had always come had started their own families and traditions.  Eventually, it came down to my family, my parents, and my brother and his slowly growing family.  So, we were down to about ten.

This year, the oldest child has been away from home to attend college.  We have missed him terribly.  We are so excited to have him coming home to us!!  So, since we have such a limited time with him (Tues night-Sat. morning), we aren't going anywhere.  We're going to spend time with him and let him visit with his friends.  So, Thanksgiving is just the five of us. 

I've got a recipe for turkey that I lifted from The World According to Eggface (http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/).  She's got a BUNCH of gastric bypass friendly recipes.  I've been worried for a little while that I won't be able to eat with my family.  Then, I've come to realize that it's not eating with my family that I should focus on, it's spending time with my family. 

My son will eventually meet someone who wants to spend Thanksgiving at her parents' home.  My girls are going to want to take over at their homes for Thanksgiving.  These last few years I have them, I am going to enjoy the time we have together.

Black Friday became a late tradition for my mom and I.  We got up around 4:30 am and moseyed over to the local mall. We happily, and slowly, meandered through the different stores.  I had a general idea of what I was looking for, but never a list.  The one thing I learned, after all those teen years with retail jobs, is that shopping first thing in the morning is a much more enjoyable experience than later in the day.  I don't care too much about the DOORBUSTER DEALS always offered.  The staff and other shoppers are much more friendly first thing in the morning for a variety of reasons.  The ones who want the deals get them.  There is no fighting for parking spots.  There's no fighting for the last item.  The list goes on and on.  Since I'm not going to be at my parents' house, I won't be doing Black Friday shopping with my mom.  We had some great war stories and some unbelievable deals for things we wanted.  I'll always remember the time I got to spend alone with her. 

This year, my girls have asked to go shopping with me on Friday.  We're going to give it a shot.  I'm still exhausted from the surgery but I really want to do this with them.  We don't have the greatest mall, which could affect how fun it is.  I'm excited to be going with them.

First Time for Everything

Pre-surgery, I figured that feeding my "new" stomach would be just like the trial and error we went through with the kids when they were babies.  Exciting, new, and different....that's what I was guaranteed.  Tastes change post-surgery, I was told often by others who had been there.  I wasn't going to crave foods, I was going to enjoy foods I couldn't stand previously.

This week, I was able to start "Eating for Life."  That meant I was going to slowly introduce foods and eat as I am going to for my future.

I started off simple.  I took a half slice of Swiss cheese and wrapped a slice of turkey breast around it.  I used a knife and fork and chewed like crazy.  SUCCESS!!  I ate real food. 

Then, today, I followed the recommendations and made a scrambled egg and a slice of toast.  Four bites into the egg, I had a bite of toast.  YUM!  Rye bread...carb free, but Rye nonetheless.  More egg to make up for the dryness of the toast.  I was about five minutes in when I suddenly felt like there was a spike in my chest.  I stopped eating to contemplate.  Then I realized that the spike feeling in my chest was growing like a balloon.  I gave my plate to the Love of My Life to finish.  I was not sick, but I knew I was done eating.  I thought if I walked around a little bit, it might help.  I have no idea why I thought that, but I did.  I then went into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed and waited.  I didn't have to wait too long.  I started throwing up dinner.

Here's the strange thing, and I'm going to get a bit graphic.  Throwing up post-surgery is not all that awful.  I mean, yeah, I'm throwing up, but since I'm not drinking anything, all the food is only semi-moist.  I'd only had a few bites, so there wasn't too much of it.  Once everything was out, that was it.  I no longer felt sick.  The spike in my chest was gone.  I didn't feel like I was terrified to put something in my mouth ever again. 

I waited my 30 minutes and am now drinking my protein enriched water.

Lesson learned-I'm not ready for toast yet (if ever).

Who is THAT??

Every time I look in the mirror, some stranger is looking back at me.  I've been working on a project where I am taking a picture of my face every Saturday.  I know my face has melted....it should be interesting to see how much it changes in the first year.

Pre-op, I was very wide.  Every time I walked into a room, I could do a split second check on the furniture.  Yes, that one would hold me...No, that one I couldn't pretend to fit into.  I could maneuver through tables of people or around the room, knowing how to slide through areas sideways, to get across the room.

Post-op, I have no idea where I begin and end.  I don't have any sense of my physical boundaries.  I feel like I'm overcompensating when I walk across the room.  I cannot gauge what chairs I can or cannot fit into anymore.

One of my "moments" I'm looking forward to is flying.  Anyone who is overweight has dealt with the embarrassment of the airline people asking about if you need one seat or two.  I actually had a ticket taker for Southwest threaten to put me on the "No Fly" list.  I missed a plane once playing by their rules because I had to physically check in for my second seat and the computer wasn't working.  These aren't embarrassing moments.  These are heartbreaking moments.  It always seemed to happen for the return trip.  I've never had a problem leaving for my destination.  So.  After a weekend, week, etc. of feeling good, having fun, and visiting with friends/family, I would hit the airport and just have all the wind taken out of my sails.  Once, I was going through a traumatic life experience and had spent a week working on making myself feel better.  It worked, I felt like I could tackle anything.  I hit the airport finally feeling good about myself and where I was heading.  The Southwest representative approached me and told me that there was a problem and I needed to go to the counter.  That's when they threatened to put me on the "No Fly" list. 

Roughly one out of three Americans is overweight.  If I had been better armed and more confident, I would have asked the employees of Southwest if they would talk to their mother, sister, or son that way.  Unfortunately, at that time, I had no confidence and got bullied.


So, YES!!  I am interested to see what my experiences are going to be for flying.  No second seat.  No extender belt.  I won't have to look at the faces of my fellow travelers as they pray I'm not sitting next to them.  I'm typically not, because I travel with my family, but no one said people on a plane are the brightest.  I might even indulge and have a drink!

In the mean time, as I melt, I adjust. 

The clothes are literally falling off, because there are no hips holding the clothes up.  I'm a borderline horder.  I never throw away anything until it really is trashed.  I have a couple dresses and shirts that have been way to small for years.  I may not be the most stylish up-to-date worker bee, but I do look professional.  I'm slowly pulling things out of my closet that I really never thought I'd wear again, knowing that I'm probably not going to be able to wear them for very long.

There to Here

I should have listened to my husband and started this 3 ½ weeks ago.  I had my gastric bypass surgery on 19 Oct.  I had been looking into it for a few years.  I followed my insurance policy of attending six pre-operative classes.  Of course, my insurance changed, as did my job, in the middle of it, so the six months dragged out to ten.  Which added to my anxiety.

I got to the ten day pre-operative diet and the skepticism kicked in on me.  I was going to do the ten day pre-op, and I was going to get a phone call from the insurance company, saying I needed to start all over again.  Of course, that call never came.  I went into the hospital at 5 am on Wed. for my surgery.  The surgery itself, went as smoothly as scrambling ones insides could go.  The nine hours in recovery really sucked a lot, because I was only supposed to be in recovery for one hour.  I was very lucky to have the Love of My Life there.  Typically, they don’t let anyone in recovery, but I was crying for him, so they let him come in to be with me.  He was scared enough for the both of us, so once he was securely planted next to me, I very happily passed in and out of consciousness.

I left the hospital Thursday evening, as promised.  I had a tube sticking out of my side as a drain and I was incredibly uncomfortable, scared, and higher than a kite.  I was also very lucky to have my sister drive eight hours down from upstate New York to help get me back on my feet. 

I had six punctures in my abdomen.  Five were stitched up, and the sixth had the drain.  The drain was something I knew was going to be a psychological issue as soon as I heard about it.  It was almost a deal breaker for me.  As psyched out as I had made myself, I also managed to convince myself it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.  It turns out I was right.  It was WAY worse!!  I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the drain, let alone empty the bulb twice a day like I was supposed to do.  This is where the incredibly competent, caring, and careful sister really stepped up and helped.  We laugh in our family about our CDO  (it’s OCD, but alphabetical!) personalities.  We all enjoy order, because it really simplifies how things get done.  Anyway, the sister from NY changed out bandages and recreated the surgeon’s check sheet.  It didn’t make any sense to write down the time and amount I drank every time I drank.  If I was supposed to drink every 15 minutes, then a chart was created with times written down for every 15 minutes.  I was poured 1 oz of protein water to sip through the 15 minutes.  As I started each ounce, I would cross off the time.  If a time was not crossed off, there was a written reason why-sleeping, walking, showering, etc.  I had to take my medications, so those were added to the chart, too, and then crossed off  as they were taken.  The amount of fluid in the drain bulb was recorded on the chart.  Sister from NY is VERY thorough!!  The surgeon’s office was impressed when I showed the sheets of charts to them.

One of the hardest things for Sister from NY to do was my bandages.  The only one that needed regular attention was the one around the drain.  The tube, itself, was stitched to me.  This was still an open wound, though, and any time I moved, it did leak.  SO.  Imagine having to peel off sticky bandage tape from an open wound, ripping layer after layer of new skin off the area only to reapply a new bandage.  Changing out this bandage took about fifteen minutes.  Add in the possibility of me passing out or throwing up and crying through it and Sister from NY really deserves some kind of medal!  Competent older sisters are the BEST!!

Sister from NY made sure that Love of My Life watched and learned how to change out the bandages and empty the drain.  She was going to be leaving soon and heading back to her own crazy, hectic, wonderful life.  Love of My Life did his best.  Personally, I think he was upset that my skin was being torn off and he was the one doing it.  I know he was upset that I cried so much.  Sister from NY also made sure I was fully trained in following her charts.  They really made things much easier. 

The Meds were the worst.  I had a bad reaction to oxy.  I didn’t have to be hospitalized.  No, poor Sister from NY and Love of My Life were submitted to complete freak outs.  I’m talking full on wackadoodle freak outs.  Sister from NY finally said that she wasn’t going to give me any more of the oxy, so we headed to the pharmacy to find something I could take.  With a stomach now the size of a golf ball, I have to be sure that what goes in really will help immediately.  I can’t take anything but a fast release or chewable tablet.  At the time, I was also on Coumadin.  That meant I had to stay away from certain types of pain reliever, too.  We found an acceptable alternative, and the freak outs stopped.

Sister from NY waited until I was asleep, and headed home.  She had expected me to sleep the entire time she was there, and had brought work with her.  I think one of the unexpected side effects of the oxy was I was ragingly awake all the time.  I think the freak outs were me expressing how much pain I was in and how tired I was but I couldn’t relax enough to sleep.  Once the oxy was gone, I was sleeping. 

I started eating Greek yogurt and baby food six days after surgery.  I was fine with the Greek yogurt with a little Stage 1 baby applesauce mixed into it.  Once I realized that the baby meats had additional protein in them, I was determined to add them to the yogurt.  I need to have 60 proteins per day.  Any way that I can get them into me is a good thing.  After hitting a point where I was starting to gag on the baby beef, I contacted my bariatric nutritionist.  She suggested that I throw a little taco mix powder into the cup.  It worked for a while.  My daily food intake consisted of a protein water bottle (it takes all day to drink), one container of Greek yogurt split into three cups, one jar of meat baby food split into two of those yogurt cups, and half a jar of baby applesauce in the third jar.  In addition, I also put 2 tsp. of egg whites powder into each of the containers of yogurt for an additional 2 proteins. 

I get 20 minutes to eat.  If there is food leftover, oh well.  I am following the recommendation of getting a word find book.  Remember those?  I sure do.  Every teacher who ever gave me one to do for homework or extra credit always ripped on me because I didn’t think to do it with a ruler.  Find a word, circle it.  How hard is that???  Well, the teachers never bothered to tell me that I wasn’t going to get credit due to being sloppy until after it was submitted.  NOT FAIR.  Anyway….I digress.  Teachers are another issue I have to work on.  Back to the word find.  I set my timer on my phone for 20 minutes.  I take a baby spoon bite of food.  I find three words.  I take a bite.  This slows the process of eating down considerably.  I was not one of those food breathers.  I grew up in a house where eating was a race.  Once I had kids, I knew that I didn’t want that.  So, meals became a long drawn out thing.  Now, I have to focus on the food, take my bites, and stop after 20 minutes.

There is more to catch up with on the changes I’m seeing and feeling.  That will be for the next time.

Introduction

Hey, Everyone!  I am Sarah.  I am so many things I don't even know where to start!  I started this blog on the insistence of the love of my life.  He said that with everything I had done to prep myself, I had never read anything about the patients immediately following surgery.  Since every day, there is something new, strange, and wonderful happening, I am going through a little bit of an identity crisis.  Love of my life, you were right.  This is the thing to do. 

First, a bit about me.

I am married...almost twenty years.  We have three children.  The oldest (AN ADULT!!) is off to college.  The two who are still home are teenage girls.  Every stereotype you are immediately thinking needs to be tossed out a window.  My girls have stepped up and grown up so fast and unexpectantly, they really are a joy.

In addition to being the head honcho, I also work a full time job outside of the home. 

I was a stay-at-home parent for fourteen years.  I loved every minute of it.  Anyone who thinks the stay-at-home mom does nothing but sit around at home is seriously misinformed.  SAHM work harder than anyone else.  Want to add to the work load?  Sure, why not!  For three of those years as a SAHM, I was also a teacher to my three children at home.  We cyber schooled, not home schooled.  For those of you who don't know the difference, there really isn't one, but for those who do know the difference...so do I!  While I was being a cyber Mom and SAHM, I worked on my own education, finishing up with a Masters degree.  I started attending college when I had three kids under the age of three.  So, finishing the Masters meant I had to go out and pay off those student loans.  The kids went back to brick and mortar school, and we struggled for a few years to adjust.  Once my son hit high school, he requested to come home.  He had always been a self-motivated kid and would complete the work given him, so home he came.  He completed everything early, applied to his three top schools, was accepted to all three and is now at the college of his choice.  My girls are happily skipping through high school.  They are, without a doubt, the happiest, most pleasant teenage girls I have ever met!!

I started thinking about gastric bypass many years ago.  It took me a long time to mentally get to the point where I realized I was ready to do it.  There is no point in scrambling your insides if you don't take care of the mental stuff first.  This blog was created to document what I am going through, and to use as a tool for those of you thinking about having it.  I never saw/read/heard what it was like for the day-to-day stuff post surgery.  All I ever knew was the weight would come off magically.  The adjustments I have already had to make, I feel are important to know.  This is NOT a "oh, if I'd only known, I never would have done this" blog.  This is more of a "oh, if I'd only know, I wouldn't be so FRIGGIN' SURPRISED!!" blog.