For the longest time, I have shopped at a store called Catherine's. This store had everything I needed-clothes for work, relaxing clothes, bras and underwear. More importantly, they had all that in my size. A little over a month ago, I walked into Lane Bryant for the first time in about 20 years. That was a very exciting experience for me. It was also very daunting. The idea that I could fit into "normal" sized clothes at a LB was outside my realm of reality. Yet, there I was-buying clothes. Even more bizarre was the fact that the clothes I bought were not the largest size that LB offered.
This weekend, I decided that my shorts I have been wearing for the last five years were just ridiculous looking and that I needed some new ones. I wanted to be frugal and buy shorts that came with an elastic band, so I could maybe still fit into them next year, or, at the very least, not have to buy more at the end of the season. I had my birthday coupons, extra percentage off coupons, and an "in store only" coupon/check all set for Lane Bryant. I walked in and asked them for knit, elastic banded shorts. No dice. They said that they only offered twill and tweed. WHAT??!! How could a large size clothing store not offer comfort and elastic?? So, Love of My Life and I left LB.
The store next to Lane Bryant was JC Penny. I turned to Love of My Life and said that I wanted to see if I could fit into something from a normal store. He grabbed my hand and said that we would go in, but I should not have my hopes too high. He wasn't being mean. He was trying to keep me realistic. I marched into Penny's found the Maternity section and then the WOMEN section that is blended into Maternity. I have never understood that. What idiot decided that plus sized women want to shop next to maternity clothes?? What idiot decided that pregnant women would want to be lumped in with plus sized women?? It doesn't make any sense. The plus sized section is miniscule, as is the maternity section. However, there is no separation between the two. For me, at least, it takes a little while for me to realize I'm looking at a maternity t shirt and not a plus sized one. I don't know. Is that supposed to shame us big girls? The other message being sent is that the natural beautiful state of pregnancy just means that the pregnant woman is considered fat. Neither message is a pleasant one. Someone should write to Penny's and point out that with obesity rates sky rocketing they need more choice, a larger section, and that maternity clothes should go elsewhere-perhaps next to the infant section.
I digress....again. I found shorts. I bought shorts. I got two pair of shorts for less than one pair would have cost at Lane Bryant. I fit into shorts from a "normal" store. If I wanted to, and had the spare change, I could go into any store I wanted and buy clothes. I now have choice. I now have options. I now have the ability to say, "I don't like how this looks, let's go to the next store." I no longer have to say, "This looks stupid on me, but it's the only thing in my size, so I have to buy it." The second statement typically came with a huge sigh when I looked at the price tag. I can participate in the One Day Sale or the Door Buster Sale, or any other sale at any store! There is also no point in me going and buying everything I see, because in another three months, those clothes won't look right either. So, now I have to implement my inner cheapskate and only buy what I absolutely need at the best possible price.
The reality is that I have lost a lot of weight. My body has changed. I can fit into clothes that I choose rather than pick the best of the worst in my size. It's exciting and daunting at the same time. I am going to wind up creating a whole new style for myself. I have no idea what looks good and what does not look good. What might look spectacular now, may look ridiculous in another 50 pounds. This is going to be an interesting, and probably not cheap, adventure.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Does Stress=Eating?
Simultaneously, everything and nothing is happening. The weather has been holding out a bit. We had a couple days of ridiculously warm days. It actually hit 80 twice!! But, things have settled down and are back to a more typical warming into Spring feeling. It didn't snow, which did surprise me.
I have been looking for a job for about a month. The pressure is on at the current job to hurry up and work somewhere else. I get it, but job hunting is very stressful because I don't really have experience that matches up with my education. I know I'm an amazing employee. Getting that to the employers is difficult. Once I'm in the interview, I'm golden. I am easier to sell in person.
My brother's wife died. It was sudden and unexpected to some, especially my brother and his children. I have been taking care of the fallout to my children from her death. My girls were especially hurt because they were very close to her but also shielded by Love of My Life and me. We did not want them to experience the full impact of her, so we protected them the best we could.
My joints seem to have calmed down a bit. I had pushed up the level of work I was doing in the gym, and I think that really adversely affected my joints. Since going back down to the last level of resistance, my joints don't hurt as much. I'm going to have to be careful. I am going to have to accept the level of exercise I am doing and just back off increasing the resistance for a while. Bike riding season is pretty much here, so I will be doing other things than going to the gym.
I am almost done with my second class with the second Masters degree. I realized, again, that I do not need another degree, nor do I really want one. I've got to stop doing that. I know I enjoy education, but I just need to stop for a while and start paying off that monster loan. In the mean time, as I've been taking the class, I've added to my stress levels.
So. With everything that is going on in my life, have I returned to old habits? I don't think I have. Since I still don't really care about eating, I'm only eating at designated times. I haven't really changed what I'm eating, lately. I'm still really enjoying the Greek yogurt with Kashi GoLean, flavored Greek yogurt, and whatever for dinner. I'm treating myself with one slice of bread per week with peanut butter and sugar free jelly on it. The bread is extra fiber, the peanut butter is extra protein, and the jelly adds the moisture I need. The only thing that the stress is truly bringing me is a lack of sleep. It seems no matter what I go through, sleep is where I lose.
Plane ride next week. We'll see how THAT goes!
I have been looking for a job for about a month. The pressure is on at the current job to hurry up and work somewhere else. I get it, but job hunting is very stressful because I don't really have experience that matches up with my education. I know I'm an amazing employee. Getting that to the employers is difficult. Once I'm in the interview, I'm golden. I am easier to sell in person.
My brother's wife died. It was sudden and unexpected to some, especially my brother and his children. I have been taking care of the fallout to my children from her death. My girls were especially hurt because they were very close to her but also shielded by Love of My Life and me. We did not want them to experience the full impact of her, so we protected them the best we could.
My joints seem to have calmed down a bit. I had pushed up the level of work I was doing in the gym, and I think that really adversely affected my joints. Since going back down to the last level of resistance, my joints don't hurt as much. I'm going to have to be careful. I am going to have to accept the level of exercise I am doing and just back off increasing the resistance for a while. Bike riding season is pretty much here, so I will be doing other things than going to the gym.
I am almost done with my second class with the second Masters degree. I realized, again, that I do not need another degree, nor do I really want one. I've got to stop doing that. I know I enjoy education, but I just need to stop for a while and start paying off that monster loan. In the mean time, as I've been taking the class, I've added to my stress levels.
So. With everything that is going on in my life, have I returned to old habits? I don't think I have. Since I still don't really care about eating, I'm only eating at designated times. I haven't really changed what I'm eating, lately. I'm still really enjoying the Greek yogurt with Kashi GoLean, flavored Greek yogurt, and whatever for dinner. I'm treating myself with one slice of bread per week with peanut butter and sugar free jelly on it. The bread is extra fiber, the peanut butter is extra protein, and the jelly adds the moisture I need. The only thing that the stress is truly bringing me is a lack of sleep. It seems no matter what I go through, sleep is where I lose.
Plane ride next week. We'll see how THAT goes!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Spring Came Early
I'm holding my breath, here in mid-March. I've turned the heat off. The windows have been opened. Spring has been threatening for several weeks. I have had too many snowbound Easters to believe that Spring has truly arrived just yet.
For about a month I have been fretting about my hair. I casually mentioned to both sisters that I was thinking about cutting it. Their reaction was exactly the same. "As long as you are doing that, do something about your eyebrows." Nothing quite like sister love! So, two weeks ago, I stopped into the one spa in my cornfield. They had an opening for waxing, but they did not cut hair. But, they said that I was in luck, because the woman who does the waxing is a certified cosmetologist and worked at a hair salon down the street. So, as I nervously had scenes from The 20 Year Old Virgin (because, you know, I'm 40 and never been waxed) going through my head, I talked to the woman about cutting my hair. She said some nice things that sounded like what Sister from NY told me to listen for. Then she ripped out my eyebrows. Not entirely. Everyone agrees that I have a lovely natural arch. I do not look permanently surprised or scared. It wasn't too terrible. Fortunately, I don't have to do it all the time. I'll probably be doing it once a month. Then I made the appointment to cut my hair for the following week. I had about 14 inches cut off. Not enough to donate to Locks of Love, but definitely enough that needed to come off. The woman did a fantastic job. You'd think that by now I'd be used to someone different looking out the mirror at me, but the hair cut was such a dramatic change that I couldn't tell if I liked it or not. I knew about halfway home that I LOVED my haircut. It's short. It's easy. It's fun looking. Between my eyebrows and hair removal I look about ten years younger! A new me! I deserve it!!
This month's support group meeting was about exercise. I can honestly say that I'm regularly going to the gym Mon., Wed., and Fri. during lunch. I cannot ever say that I'm going three days a week, because then I just won't go. I do need to add in a bit more. Federal guidelines show that to be healthy, one should exercise 150 minutes per week plus strength training. I've started exercising during commercial breaks. Of course, I don't watch much television because I'm balancing in another graduate degree and trying to find another job in with family and work. There really isn't a lot of time for me. Anyway, I'm trying to add in the exercise time. I'm also starting to have a lot of joint pain. I don't know if it's because I'm pushing myself so hard on the days I exercise or if it's because my joints are not getting time to adjust to carrying less weight. My hips are bearing the brunt of the pain. Every time I stand up, I hurt. In the morning, my shoulders, ankles, and knees crack really hard and really loud. I don't know how long I'll have to let that go before I start talking to the professionals.
My fear of flying is about to get challenged. This is happening a lot faster than I anticipated, but it's all good. I'm going to visit Friend at the Beach in South Carolina. She moved there about two years ago. I really miss her. She has been asking me to come down pretty much since she got there. I have one day off, and I'm going to take it. I fly out on Easter Thursday and come home on Easter. It's a pretty busy time, so I'm really worried about what is going to happen. I don't want to be in the middle of my plane switch only to get grief.
Time to get back to working on finding a new job. This one is slowly killing my soul.
For about a month I have been fretting about my hair. I casually mentioned to both sisters that I was thinking about cutting it. Their reaction was exactly the same. "As long as you are doing that, do something about your eyebrows." Nothing quite like sister love! So, two weeks ago, I stopped into the one spa in my cornfield. They had an opening for waxing, but they did not cut hair. But, they said that I was in luck, because the woman who does the waxing is a certified cosmetologist and worked at a hair salon down the street. So, as I nervously had scenes from The 20 Year Old Virgin (because, you know, I'm 40 and never been waxed) going through my head, I talked to the woman about cutting my hair. She said some nice things that sounded like what Sister from NY told me to listen for. Then she ripped out my eyebrows. Not entirely. Everyone agrees that I have a lovely natural arch. I do not look permanently surprised or scared. It wasn't too terrible. Fortunately, I don't have to do it all the time. I'll probably be doing it once a month. Then I made the appointment to cut my hair for the following week. I had about 14 inches cut off. Not enough to donate to Locks of Love, but definitely enough that needed to come off. The woman did a fantastic job. You'd think that by now I'd be used to someone different looking out the mirror at me, but the hair cut was such a dramatic change that I couldn't tell if I liked it or not. I knew about halfway home that I LOVED my haircut. It's short. It's easy. It's fun looking. Between my eyebrows and hair removal I look about ten years younger! A new me! I deserve it!!
This month's support group meeting was about exercise. I can honestly say that I'm regularly going to the gym Mon., Wed., and Fri. during lunch. I cannot ever say that I'm going three days a week, because then I just won't go. I do need to add in a bit more. Federal guidelines show that to be healthy, one should exercise 150 minutes per week plus strength training. I've started exercising during commercial breaks. Of course, I don't watch much television because I'm balancing in another graduate degree and trying to find another job in with family and work. There really isn't a lot of time for me. Anyway, I'm trying to add in the exercise time. I'm also starting to have a lot of joint pain. I don't know if it's because I'm pushing myself so hard on the days I exercise or if it's because my joints are not getting time to adjust to carrying less weight. My hips are bearing the brunt of the pain. Every time I stand up, I hurt. In the morning, my shoulders, ankles, and knees crack really hard and really loud. I don't know how long I'll have to let that go before I start talking to the professionals.
My fear of flying is about to get challenged. This is happening a lot faster than I anticipated, but it's all good. I'm going to visit Friend at the Beach in South Carolina. She moved there about two years ago. I really miss her. She has been asking me to come down pretty much since she got there. I have one day off, and I'm going to take it. I fly out on Easter Thursday and come home on Easter. It's a pretty busy time, so I'm really worried about what is going to happen. I don't want to be in the middle of my plane switch only to get grief.
Time to get back to working on finding a new job. This one is slowly killing my soul.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Did NOT see that coming!!
Ok. So, at this point, it should be obvious that I did my research prior to even seeing my doctor and saying, "Hey, I want to do this surgery." I had extensively read, on and off, for years about varying procedures, successes, and what life is like for the post-surgery patient.
I have had some great successes. I can sit in just about any chair in the office without wondering if I have to twist around to get myself into it. I am going to the gym in the basement of work during three lunch hours per week pretty regularly. Some of my pajamas are falling off me, so I only put them on right before hopping into bed.
I have also, to be honest, had some failures. I have eaten things I should not. I have learned to listen to my body, so I'm not eating until I throw up. I stop as soon as I don't feel "right." I easily forget my vitamins, which could, left unchecked, wind me up in the hospital. I allow myself to feel left out at work. We often have food and it's what a lot of people call "fun" food. At an outing the other day, I sat at a table with six other people who were eating pizza, soda, and nachos. I felt really uncomfortable because I was the odd man out, and we were working on team building! **sigh** I felt badly that I was doing what was right for me.
I went ahead and weighed myself this week. I have lost 65 pounds, so far!! That is A LOT of weight! I am just tickled that it's coming off like it is. I am pretty sure that I'm losing about a pound a week. As long as it's coming off, I think it's alright. A more telling exercise for me was I put on my coat, today. Last year, as with previous years, when I put on my winter coat, I would struggle a bit to get the zipper hooked and then it was a pretty snug fit. I have been avoiding my winter coat this year. Mostly, I hate snow and cold. If it's cold enough for me to need the winter coat, then I am not happy because I can't stand the snow. Literally. I fall down every time it snows. Well, I put the winter coat on, today. I was swimming in it. I felt like some 9 year old kid going out in their Daddy's coat. It totally does not fit! I asked Love of My Life if I looked ridiculous in a too big coat. He said it was fine. Then, I tightened the waist string. He told me to keep the string loose, because the coat looked ridiculously big with the waist accented. I do SO love him!
I still worry that I have lost all the weight I am going to lose. There is no logic in the world that is going to get me relaxed about that. I also cling tightly to the fear of gaining the weight back. It is very easy to do. I think I would really have to get comfortable with dumping and push my body to get past the dumping, to gain the weight back. It is still a rational fear. As long as I cling to the fear, I think I will keep myself in check.
The next HUGE thing for me to experience will be flying. I cannot imagine how it will feel to walk into an airport and not have the fear and dread that some airline representative will "helpfully" suggest I buy a second ticket. They do it. Most are not so helpful or pleasant about it, either. I can't imagine what it's going to be like to fly with just one ticket. I'm also curious about the experience of flying without a seat belt extender. Obviously, that experience is far, far away. I have NO vacation or sick time left and NO money to go anywhere, if I did.
In the mean time, I have an enormous jacket I have to get on to take the puppers for a walk!
I have had some great successes. I can sit in just about any chair in the office without wondering if I have to twist around to get myself into it. I am going to the gym in the basement of work during three lunch hours per week pretty regularly. Some of my pajamas are falling off me, so I only put them on right before hopping into bed.
I have also, to be honest, had some failures. I have eaten things I should not. I have learned to listen to my body, so I'm not eating until I throw up. I stop as soon as I don't feel "right." I easily forget my vitamins, which could, left unchecked, wind me up in the hospital. I allow myself to feel left out at work. We often have food and it's what a lot of people call "fun" food. At an outing the other day, I sat at a table with six other people who were eating pizza, soda, and nachos. I felt really uncomfortable because I was the odd man out, and we were working on team building! **sigh** I felt badly that I was doing what was right for me.
I went ahead and weighed myself this week. I have lost 65 pounds, so far!! That is A LOT of weight! I am just tickled that it's coming off like it is. I am pretty sure that I'm losing about a pound a week. As long as it's coming off, I think it's alright. A more telling exercise for me was I put on my coat, today. Last year, as with previous years, when I put on my winter coat, I would struggle a bit to get the zipper hooked and then it was a pretty snug fit. I have been avoiding my winter coat this year. Mostly, I hate snow and cold. If it's cold enough for me to need the winter coat, then I am not happy because I can't stand the snow. Literally. I fall down every time it snows. Well, I put the winter coat on, today. I was swimming in it. I felt like some 9 year old kid going out in their Daddy's coat. It totally does not fit! I asked Love of My Life if I looked ridiculous in a too big coat. He said it was fine. Then, I tightened the waist string. He told me to keep the string loose, because the coat looked ridiculously big with the waist accented. I do SO love him!
I still worry that I have lost all the weight I am going to lose. There is no logic in the world that is going to get me relaxed about that. I also cling tightly to the fear of gaining the weight back. It is very easy to do. I think I would really have to get comfortable with dumping and push my body to get past the dumping, to gain the weight back. It is still a rational fear. As long as I cling to the fear, I think I will keep myself in check.
The next HUGE thing for me to experience will be flying. I cannot imagine how it will feel to walk into an airport and not have the fear and dread that some airline representative will "helpfully" suggest I buy a second ticket. They do it. Most are not so helpful or pleasant about it, either. I can't imagine what it's going to be like to fly with just one ticket. I'm also curious about the experience of flying without a seat belt extender. Obviously, that experience is far, far away. I have NO vacation or sick time left and NO money to go anywhere, if I did.
In the mean time, I have an enormous jacket I have to get on to take the puppers for a walk!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
More Than I Can Handle?
Both pre- and post-operative I take on more than I probably should. When I was a home school parent, I took on teaching three, and then one of my kids. In addition, when I home schooled, I continued my education getting my Masters degree. When I took on the prep work for my surgery, I was also looking for a new job, sending my oldest off to college, getting the two still home through high school, getting ready to adopt a greyhound, and holding Love of My Life's hand as he watched his mother die.
Now, post surgery, I am looking at getting another degree, pulling the kids through high school, helping my returned college student figure himself out, and work 40 hours a week with an additional 10 hours in commute time.
Do I take on more than I should? Yeah, probably. Do I take on more than I can handle? No. I'm pretty good at stopping when I've reached my limit. As I know I've said in the past, "I don't have any more room on my emotional plate to care about ____ ." Sometimes that makes me feel as if I've limited an opportunity. Typically, though, whatever I'm not making room for is something that will not impact me directly. Selfish? Possibly.
My manager took me in for a meeting the other day. She told me that I was a distraction for one of my neighbors. My neighbor's calls were way down, calling her productivity into question. My calls were off the charts. My manager suggested that somehow, I have the skills to hold several conversations and be incredibly productive at the same time. Her delivery lead me to believe that this irritates her. I'm an uncontrollable factor in her highly controlled world.
The last 72 hours have been incredibly stressful. I had to suddenly take a 600 mile car ride to collect my college student and bring him home. The ride was through a winter storm. The ride typically takes 11-12 hours. I collected him and his belongings, went to the hotel, and then drove home through the tail end of the storm...all with little sleep.
During this harrowing drive, I mentally went through all my past behaviors. Long drive and tired? Grab some Diet Dr. Pepper. Long drive and alone? Grab a bag of chips and candy. Even during the times I was dieting, this was pretty standard. I might go with sugar free candy, a low carb option, or a jar of peanuts. Not this trip. I kept my B-12 handy, just in case I got a little tired. Since I was powering through three states and trying to end my trip as quickly as possible, I did not stop to eat properly. Instead, I made quickie pit-stops to get cheese sticks and nuts.
Was that kind of trip too much, too soon for me? Probably. Was there an alternative? Not really. College student HAD to come home.
Spending that amount of time with my mind was quite interesting. I contemplated the ideas of soda, chips, and candy. I contemplated skipping eating until I arrived. I contemplated everything I can't do. At the end of the contemplations, I realized that I really wasn't missing out on anything. I also knew that skipping meals was not an option.
I also went through all the hurdles I've crossed over the last three months. I took the children to the dentist. There are small chairs at the dentist. In the past, I have always stood in the office or hung around reception talking with the receptionists. I didn't fit in the chairs. This time, I sat! I sat in the chair!! I FIT IN THE FRICKIN' CHAIR!! I almost fell out of a computer chair at work because I was busy twisting trying to fit into the armed chair instead of just sitting. I feel good. I'm working out at a fairly consistent rate. I look good.
I am not taking on more than I can handle. When or if I do, I know the channels I will have to go through for support. Love of My Life always has my back. It doesn't matter how irritated he makes me, he does love me. I have my support group. I have my therapist. Most importantly, I have me.
Now, post surgery, I am looking at getting another degree, pulling the kids through high school, helping my returned college student figure himself out, and work 40 hours a week with an additional 10 hours in commute time.
Do I take on more than I should? Yeah, probably. Do I take on more than I can handle? No. I'm pretty good at stopping when I've reached my limit. As I know I've said in the past, "I don't have any more room on my emotional plate to care about ____ ." Sometimes that makes me feel as if I've limited an opportunity. Typically, though, whatever I'm not making room for is something that will not impact me directly. Selfish? Possibly.
My manager took me in for a meeting the other day. She told me that I was a distraction for one of my neighbors. My neighbor's calls were way down, calling her productivity into question. My calls were off the charts. My manager suggested that somehow, I have the skills to hold several conversations and be incredibly productive at the same time. Her delivery lead me to believe that this irritates her. I'm an uncontrollable factor in her highly controlled world.
The last 72 hours have been incredibly stressful. I had to suddenly take a 600 mile car ride to collect my college student and bring him home. The ride was through a winter storm. The ride typically takes 11-12 hours. I collected him and his belongings, went to the hotel, and then drove home through the tail end of the storm...all with little sleep.
During this harrowing drive, I mentally went through all my past behaviors. Long drive and tired? Grab some Diet Dr. Pepper. Long drive and alone? Grab a bag of chips and candy. Even during the times I was dieting, this was pretty standard. I might go with sugar free candy, a low carb option, or a jar of peanuts. Not this trip. I kept my B-12 handy, just in case I got a little tired. Since I was powering through three states and trying to end my trip as quickly as possible, I did not stop to eat properly. Instead, I made quickie pit-stops to get cheese sticks and nuts.
Was that kind of trip too much, too soon for me? Probably. Was there an alternative? Not really. College student HAD to come home.
Spending that amount of time with my mind was quite interesting. I contemplated the ideas of soda, chips, and candy. I contemplated skipping eating until I arrived. I contemplated everything I can't do. At the end of the contemplations, I realized that I really wasn't missing out on anything. I also knew that skipping meals was not an option.
I also went through all the hurdles I've crossed over the last three months. I took the children to the dentist. There are small chairs at the dentist. In the past, I have always stood in the office or hung around reception talking with the receptionists. I didn't fit in the chairs. This time, I sat! I sat in the chair!! I FIT IN THE FRICKIN' CHAIR!! I almost fell out of a computer chair at work because I was busy twisting trying to fit into the armed chair instead of just sitting. I feel good. I'm working out at a fairly consistent rate. I look good.
I am not taking on more than I can handle. When or if I do, I know the channels I will have to go through for support. Love of My Life always has my back. It doesn't matter how irritated he makes me, he does love me. I have my support group. I have my therapist. Most importantly, I have me.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Happy New Year!
My entire life, I have listened to people make New Year's Resolutions. I remember in grade school, we had to make them as part of some silly writing exercise. Mine were typically something like being nicer to my brother, work harder at school, be a better person, etc. Once those ridiculous elementary years were over, I didn't have to pretend anymore. Of course, in high school, all the girls would talk about how the new year meant they had to start watching their weight. That got tiresome even faster than the writing.
I have no problems with the idea of resolutions. It shouldn't take the start of a new year to make them, that's all. There is so much emphasis on January being the "best" time to start making positive changes. Look at the number of commercials for gyms that start immediately after Christmas. How many of those gyms are bursting at capacity in January only to be empty by mid-February? I don't think it's because people don't want positive changes in their lives. I think it's because they emphasize that they can only make changes in January and once January is over and they don't see immediate change, they quit.
I made a resolution last year that I was going to have my surgery. I went to all the classes and all the pre-operative doctor appointments. I went to the support group. I accepted that the positive change in my life was going to take time and a whole hell of a lot of effort. This was NOT going to be easy. I had my operation in October. Almost three months post-op and I am still working hard. I am not where I want to be, but I am making the effort to get there. A change of life does not happen at the turn of a calendar page. It happens when we are mentally ready to commit.
I have been working out regularly in the gym in the basement of my work building. I go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I go specifically those days and not three days per week. I've gone from 10 minutes to 25 minutes of treadmill and stationary bike. I am now at 15th speed on the bike. I cannot extend my time any more, because my work is a bunch of clockwatchers. I can, as I have, increase the resistance on the machines I am on. I had a co-worker ask me to go downstairs with her on Tuesday. I said that I couldn't because I only go down M, W, and F. She asked me why, and I told her the truth. If I don't go those specific days, then the week will get away from me and I just won't bother. She thought it was great that I was dedicated to going down those days and following through on those days.
Life at home is up and down. My son is still home for his winter break. He'll be going back to school in two days. He still seems to expect to have pizza, chips, soda, and other crap in the house. He doesn't really get how things have changed with food. He likes the stuff I've been cooking and has helped himself to generous portions. I don't think that he gets that this food I've been cooking is now the norm in the house. The girls have adapted to life with the protein high foods. I just get easily frustrated with everything because I am not chock full of sugar and caffeine to keep things moving. Everyone is old enough now to be a help. Still, if I am not running the show, everything goes in the crapper. It's very frustrating and I don't see any way to fix it.
I have no problems with the idea of resolutions. It shouldn't take the start of a new year to make them, that's all. There is so much emphasis on January being the "best" time to start making positive changes. Look at the number of commercials for gyms that start immediately after Christmas. How many of those gyms are bursting at capacity in January only to be empty by mid-February? I don't think it's because people don't want positive changes in their lives. I think it's because they emphasize that they can only make changes in January and once January is over and they don't see immediate change, they quit.
I made a resolution last year that I was going to have my surgery. I went to all the classes and all the pre-operative doctor appointments. I went to the support group. I accepted that the positive change in my life was going to take time and a whole hell of a lot of effort. This was NOT going to be easy. I had my operation in October. Almost three months post-op and I am still working hard. I am not where I want to be, but I am making the effort to get there. A change of life does not happen at the turn of a calendar page. It happens when we are mentally ready to commit.
I have been working out regularly in the gym in the basement of my work building. I go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I go specifically those days and not three days per week. I've gone from 10 minutes to 25 minutes of treadmill and stationary bike. I am now at 15th speed on the bike. I cannot extend my time any more, because my work is a bunch of clockwatchers. I can, as I have, increase the resistance on the machines I am on. I had a co-worker ask me to go downstairs with her on Tuesday. I said that I couldn't because I only go down M, W, and F. She asked me why, and I told her the truth. If I don't go those specific days, then the week will get away from me and I just won't bother. She thought it was great that I was dedicated to going down those days and following through on those days.
Life at home is up and down. My son is still home for his winter break. He'll be going back to school in two days. He still seems to expect to have pizza, chips, soda, and other crap in the house. He doesn't really get how things have changed with food. He likes the stuff I've been cooking and has helped himself to generous portions. I don't think that he gets that this food I've been cooking is now the norm in the house. The girls have adapted to life with the protein high foods. I just get easily frustrated with everything because I am not chock full of sugar and caffeine to keep things moving. Everyone is old enough now to be a help. Still, if I am not running the show, everything goes in the crapper. It's very frustrating and I don't see any way to fix it.
Monday, December 26, 2011
I Can Eat Anything.
Well, it's true. I never would have thought I'd get to this point two months ago. Suddenly, on the 20th, just one day past my two month mark, I realized that I can eat anything-pizza, popcorn, pretty much anything. What I learned pretty quickly, though, is that just because I CAN eat anything, it doesn't mean that I can DIGEST everything. So, yeah, I've been going through some dumping.
The first time, it was kind of minor. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the left side of my stomach over and over. The feeling eventually passed, and I knew I wouldn't eat that food again. Christmas was pretty rough on me, too. Not because of an over abundance of foods. My inlaws can't cook their way out of a kitchen. Everything served was either chock full of sugar (cookies) and I wouldn't touch it, or dry (cheese, turkey, rolls). So, I was there for about 5 hours not eating. Then on the way home, we stopped at a Wawa to fill up on gas and get me something to eat. Choices being limited, I picked out what I thought would be a decent meal for me-packaged cheese, grapes, and pita crackers. I also wanted to try out a soft pretzel. I ate all the cheese and grapes and a couple of the crackers and two bites of the pretzel. I realized pretty quickly that the pretzel wasn't going to work, so I gave the rest to the kids. I sat back in the seat, while Love of My Life drove us home. Next thing I knew, I was dizzy, nauseous, exhausted, freezing and hot. My entire middle hurt like I was being stabbed with a hot iron over and over in multiple places. I thought I was dying. Love of My Life kept asking if he should pull over, but I didn't want to move, so I kept being vague. Fortunately, my son asked him to stop at the next rest stop for a restroom break. After sitting parked for a few minutes, I decided that I wanted to see what would happen if I stretched out standing up. Love of My Life had Oldest Daughter go with me, so if I did, in fact, pass out, she could let him know. After taking about ten steps, I knew I was going to throw up. The question became, was I going to get to the restroom in time. The answer was no. I found a garbage can on the way and emptied my stomach. I got to the bathroom and emptied my stomach in the toilet. I came out to wash my hands and it was as if nothing had happened. No more soft pretzels, I guess.
I had researched quite a bit pre-operatively about everything, so I knew what dumping was. Having experienced it both in a minor and major way, I have to say it's incentive to not eat the wrong foods. I've been saying all along that I can eat pizza every day for the first 18 months and still lose weight, but after that 18 months, I'll start gaining everything back. So, these 18 months are my training to eat correctly. Yes, I can eat anything. Do I want to?
The first time, it was kind of minor. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the left side of my stomach over and over. The feeling eventually passed, and I knew I wouldn't eat that food again. Christmas was pretty rough on me, too. Not because of an over abundance of foods. My inlaws can't cook their way out of a kitchen. Everything served was either chock full of sugar (cookies) and I wouldn't touch it, or dry (cheese, turkey, rolls). So, I was there for about 5 hours not eating. Then on the way home, we stopped at a Wawa to fill up on gas and get me something to eat. Choices being limited, I picked out what I thought would be a decent meal for me-packaged cheese, grapes, and pita crackers. I also wanted to try out a soft pretzel. I ate all the cheese and grapes and a couple of the crackers and two bites of the pretzel. I realized pretty quickly that the pretzel wasn't going to work, so I gave the rest to the kids. I sat back in the seat, while Love of My Life drove us home. Next thing I knew, I was dizzy, nauseous, exhausted, freezing and hot. My entire middle hurt like I was being stabbed with a hot iron over and over in multiple places. I thought I was dying. Love of My Life kept asking if he should pull over, but I didn't want to move, so I kept being vague. Fortunately, my son asked him to stop at the next rest stop for a restroom break. After sitting parked for a few minutes, I decided that I wanted to see what would happen if I stretched out standing up. Love of My Life had Oldest Daughter go with me, so if I did, in fact, pass out, she could let him know. After taking about ten steps, I knew I was going to throw up. The question became, was I going to get to the restroom in time. The answer was no. I found a garbage can on the way and emptied my stomach. I got to the bathroom and emptied my stomach in the toilet. I came out to wash my hands and it was as if nothing had happened. No more soft pretzels, I guess.
I had researched quite a bit pre-operatively about everything, so I knew what dumping was. Having experienced it both in a minor and major way, I have to say it's incentive to not eat the wrong foods. I've been saying all along that I can eat pizza every day for the first 18 months and still lose weight, but after that 18 months, I'll start gaining everything back. So, these 18 months are my training to eat correctly. Yes, I can eat anything. Do I want to?
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