Where are my Boundaries?

It's a simple enough question, but not so easily answered.  Most people know where they begin and end.  I don't know anymore.  Pre-surgery, I knew where my wide hips began and ended.  Now, I don't know where I am.

I went for a walk at work during lunch, yesterday.  I'm up to walking around the building three times, now.  As I was walking, I felt as if I had ripples of fat and skin following me.  I jiggle...a lot.  I told Love of My Life that I'm no longer like a stuffed sausage ready to pop.  I'm like a deflated balloon.  I'm empty on so many levels. 

I don't quite know how to handle this.  I expected that the weight was going to come off.  That's happening.  I didn't expect to loose the feel of where I am.  I'm not losing WHO I am because I've never defined myself by how I look.

I'm starting to get a lot of compliments at work.  I don't know if the people I work with are super nice and are trying to be encouraging or if the people I work with are super nice and truthful.  Either way, I win, because I'm working with super nice people.

I'm still struggling to keep myself hydrated.  Eventually, I'll get it under control.  I've just got to keep working towards what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm still timing my meals.  I'm taking pea sized bites and chewing the heck out of my food.  No liquid 30 minutes before and after a meal.  I'm following all the rules.  I'm losing weight.  I won't know how much until my next doctor's appointment.  I'm trying really hard to not focus on the weight being lost and focus on the additional years with Love of My Life and Wonderful Children I've given myself.

Thanksgiving and a funeral

Well, even the best laid plans can get wrecked.  It's usually best to roll with the changes...especially if you cannot do anything about them.

The creation of new traditions is not typically an easy thing.  However, Love of My Life put things together so smoothly and touchingly, that our new Thanksgiving will be the one to follow from now on.  Love of My Life followed what I wanted and cooked a fabulous turkey breast.  Then he put an awesome spin on potatoes.  He chopped them up and threw them in a pan with chopped bacon, oil, and topped with sharp cheddar cheese to bake.  He does love to cook!

While the girls and I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I went ahead and peeled and chopped the apples for homemade applesauce.  I throw the chopped apples and a little water into the crock pot and slow cook them down into yummy and slightly chunky applesauce. 

After a delicious dinner, our family put the capper on a LOVELY day, and went to the movies.  We saw Alfred Christmas.  This was a delightful and sweet CGI cartoon movie.  There were no real surprises.  It was a quiet, gentle, yet enjoyable tale that the entire family just loved.

Overall, Thanksgiving went really, really well. 

On Friday, I did not get to go Black Friday shopping with my girls.  Instead, the family went to Love of My Life's mother's funeral.  She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of July and lasted until this week.  The wake and service were very tasteful.

The toughest part for me was the luncheon afterwards.  What could I possibly eat?  We had been on the road since 4 am.  I had half a piece of cheese for breakfast, and a protein water on the drive.  I was almost frantic with emptiness.  I could not even begin to guess what foods were going to be put in front of me that I might or might not be able to eat.  When presented with the choices for lunch, I had a chicken that sounded as if it was not fried or coated in breading.  I took two bites, and when Love of My Life asked how I was doing, I had to answer truthfully.  I could not eat the meal.  I needed to have a much wetter "dip" for the chicken.  It was tender, but just not moist enough.  I was really disappointed.  I'd had high hopes.  One of the daughters had flounder, so I tried that.  Definitely not something I would eat twice on purpose.  I had my meal boxed so it would look as if I hadn't wasted the meal.  Three hours later, and we were home again, where I could make a meal I could eat.

Getting Ready for Thanksgiving

I've been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading our first big holiday since the surgery.  We have broken all family traditions.  For the first time in my life, I'm not having Thanksgiving with my parents and various family members.  For the first time in about seven years, I'm not doing Black Friday shopping with my Mom.  Thanksgiving Friday has traditionally been a day to hang out with family, too. 

Everyone came to my parents' house for Thanksgiving.  I'm the youngest of four, so you start out with six and add in the various relatives and we typically had about 25-30 people in attendance.  Once my parents retired and moved, there were several changes made to Thanksgiving.  Siblings were too far away.  Cousins who had always come had started their own families and traditions.  Eventually, it came down to my family, my parents, and my brother and his slowly growing family.  So, we were down to about ten.

This year, the oldest child has been away from home to attend college.  We have missed him terribly.  We are so excited to have him coming home to us!!  So, since we have such a limited time with him (Tues night-Sat. morning), we aren't going anywhere.  We're going to spend time with him and let him visit with his friends.  So, Thanksgiving is just the five of us. 

I've got a recipe for turkey that I lifted from The World According to Eggface (http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/).  She's got a BUNCH of gastric bypass friendly recipes.  I've been worried for a little while that I won't be able to eat with my family.  Then, I've come to realize that it's not eating with my family that I should focus on, it's spending time with my family. 

My son will eventually meet someone who wants to spend Thanksgiving at her parents' home.  My girls are going to want to take over at their homes for Thanksgiving.  These last few years I have them, I am going to enjoy the time we have together.

Black Friday became a late tradition for my mom and I.  We got up around 4:30 am and moseyed over to the local mall. We happily, and slowly, meandered through the different stores.  I had a general idea of what I was looking for, but never a list.  The one thing I learned, after all those teen years with retail jobs, is that shopping first thing in the morning is a much more enjoyable experience than later in the day.  I don't care too much about the DOORBUSTER DEALS always offered.  The staff and other shoppers are much more friendly first thing in the morning for a variety of reasons.  The ones who want the deals get them.  There is no fighting for parking spots.  There's no fighting for the last item.  The list goes on and on.  Since I'm not going to be at my parents' house, I won't be doing Black Friday shopping with my mom.  We had some great war stories and some unbelievable deals for things we wanted.  I'll always remember the time I got to spend alone with her. 

This year, my girls have asked to go shopping with me on Friday.  We're going to give it a shot.  I'm still exhausted from the surgery but I really want to do this with them.  We don't have the greatest mall, which could affect how fun it is.  I'm excited to be going with them.

First Time for Everything

Pre-surgery, I figured that feeding my "new" stomach would be just like the trial and error we went through with the kids when they were babies.  Exciting, new, and different....that's what I was guaranteed.  Tastes change post-surgery, I was told often by others who had been there.  I wasn't going to crave foods, I was going to enjoy foods I couldn't stand previously.

This week, I was able to start "Eating for Life."  That meant I was going to slowly introduce foods and eat as I am going to for my future.

I started off simple.  I took a half slice of Swiss cheese and wrapped a slice of turkey breast around it.  I used a knife and fork and chewed like crazy.  SUCCESS!!  I ate real food. 

Then, today, I followed the recommendations and made a scrambled egg and a slice of toast.  Four bites into the egg, I had a bite of toast.  YUM!  Rye bread...carb free, but Rye nonetheless.  More egg to make up for the dryness of the toast.  I was about five minutes in when I suddenly felt like there was a spike in my chest.  I stopped eating to contemplate.  Then I realized that the spike feeling in my chest was growing like a balloon.  I gave my plate to the Love of My Life to finish.  I was not sick, but I knew I was done eating.  I thought if I walked around a little bit, it might help.  I have no idea why I thought that, but I did.  I then went into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed and waited.  I didn't have to wait too long.  I started throwing up dinner.

Here's the strange thing, and I'm going to get a bit graphic.  Throwing up post-surgery is not all that awful.  I mean, yeah, I'm throwing up, but since I'm not drinking anything, all the food is only semi-moist.  I'd only had a few bites, so there wasn't too much of it.  Once everything was out, that was it.  I no longer felt sick.  The spike in my chest was gone.  I didn't feel like I was terrified to put something in my mouth ever again. 

I waited my 30 minutes and am now drinking my protein enriched water.

Lesson learned-I'm not ready for toast yet (if ever).

Who is THAT??

Every time I look in the mirror, some stranger is looking back at me.  I've been working on a project where I am taking a picture of my face every Saturday.  I know my face has melted....it should be interesting to see how much it changes in the first year.

Pre-op, I was very wide.  Every time I walked into a room, I could do a split second check on the furniture.  Yes, that one would hold me...No, that one I couldn't pretend to fit into.  I could maneuver through tables of people or around the room, knowing how to slide through areas sideways, to get across the room.

Post-op, I have no idea where I begin and end.  I don't have any sense of my physical boundaries.  I feel like I'm overcompensating when I walk across the room.  I cannot gauge what chairs I can or cannot fit into anymore.

One of my "moments" I'm looking forward to is flying.  Anyone who is overweight has dealt with the embarrassment of the airline people asking about if you need one seat or two.  I actually had a ticket taker for Southwest threaten to put me on the "No Fly" list.  I missed a plane once playing by their rules because I had to physically check in for my second seat and the computer wasn't working.  These aren't embarrassing moments.  These are heartbreaking moments.  It always seemed to happen for the return trip.  I've never had a problem leaving for my destination.  So.  After a weekend, week, etc. of feeling good, having fun, and visiting with friends/family, I would hit the airport and just have all the wind taken out of my sails.  Once, I was going through a traumatic life experience and had spent a week working on making myself feel better.  It worked, I felt like I could tackle anything.  I hit the airport finally feeling good about myself and where I was heading.  The Southwest representative approached me and told me that there was a problem and I needed to go to the counter.  That's when they threatened to put me on the "No Fly" list. 

Roughly one out of three Americans is overweight.  If I had been better armed and more confident, I would have asked the employees of Southwest if they would talk to their mother, sister, or son that way.  Unfortunately, at that time, I had no confidence and got bullied.


So, YES!!  I am interested to see what my experiences are going to be for flying.  No second seat.  No extender belt.  I won't have to look at the faces of my fellow travelers as they pray I'm not sitting next to them.  I'm typically not, because I travel with my family, but no one said people on a plane are the brightest.  I might even indulge and have a drink!

In the mean time, as I melt, I adjust. 

The clothes are literally falling off, because there are no hips holding the clothes up.  I'm a borderline horder.  I never throw away anything until it really is trashed.  I have a couple dresses and shirts that have been way to small for years.  I may not be the most stylish up-to-date worker bee, but I do look professional.  I'm slowly pulling things out of my closet that I really never thought I'd wear again, knowing that I'm probably not going to be able to wear them for very long.

There to Here

I should have listened to my husband and started this 3 ½ weeks ago.  I had my gastric bypass surgery on 19 Oct.  I had been looking into it for a few years.  I followed my insurance policy of attending six pre-operative classes.  Of course, my insurance changed, as did my job, in the middle of it, so the six months dragged out to ten.  Which added to my anxiety.

I got to the ten day pre-operative diet and the skepticism kicked in on me.  I was going to do the ten day pre-op, and I was going to get a phone call from the insurance company, saying I needed to start all over again.  Of course, that call never came.  I went into the hospital at 5 am on Wed. for my surgery.  The surgery itself, went as smoothly as scrambling ones insides could go.  The nine hours in recovery really sucked a lot, because I was only supposed to be in recovery for one hour.  I was very lucky to have the Love of My Life there.  Typically, they don’t let anyone in recovery, but I was crying for him, so they let him come in to be with me.  He was scared enough for the both of us, so once he was securely planted next to me, I very happily passed in and out of consciousness.

I left the hospital Thursday evening, as promised.  I had a tube sticking out of my side as a drain and I was incredibly uncomfortable, scared, and higher than a kite.  I was also very lucky to have my sister drive eight hours down from upstate New York to help get me back on my feet. 

I had six punctures in my abdomen.  Five were stitched up, and the sixth had the drain.  The drain was something I knew was going to be a psychological issue as soon as I heard about it.  It was almost a deal breaker for me.  As psyched out as I had made myself, I also managed to convince myself it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.  It turns out I was right.  It was WAY worse!!  I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the drain, let alone empty the bulb twice a day like I was supposed to do.  This is where the incredibly competent, caring, and careful sister really stepped up and helped.  We laugh in our family about our CDO  (it’s OCD, but alphabetical!) personalities.  We all enjoy order, because it really simplifies how things get done.  Anyway, the sister from NY changed out bandages and recreated the surgeon’s check sheet.  It didn’t make any sense to write down the time and amount I drank every time I drank.  If I was supposed to drink every 15 minutes, then a chart was created with times written down for every 15 minutes.  I was poured 1 oz of protein water to sip through the 15 minutes.  As I started each ounce, I would cross off the time.  If a time was not crossed off, there was a written reason why-sleeping, walking, showering, etc.  I had to take my medications, so those were added to the chart, too, and then crossed off  as they were taken.  The amount of fluid in the drain bulb was recorded on the chart.  Sister from NY is VERY thorough!!  The surgeon’s office was impressed when I showed the sheets of charts to them.

One of the hardest things for Sister from NY to do was my bandages.  The only one that needed regular attention was the one around the drain.  The tube, itself, was stitched to me.  This was still an open wound, though, and any time I moved, it did leak.  SO.  Imagine having to peel off sticky bandage tape from an open wound, ripping layer after layer of new skin off the area only to reapply a new bandage.  Changing out this bandage took about fifteen minutes.  Add in the possibility of me passing out or throwing up and crying through it and Sister from NY really deserves some kind of medal!  Competent older sisters are the BEST!!

Sister from NY made sure that Love of My Life watched and learned how to change out the bandages and empty the drain.  She was going to be leaving soon and heading back to her own crazy, hectic, wonderful life.  Love of My Life did his best.  Personally, I think he was upset that my skin was being torn off and he was the one doing it.  I know he was upset that I cried so much.  Sister from NY also made sure I was fully trained in following her charts.  They really made things much easier. 

The Meds were the worst.  I had a bad reaction to oxy.  I didn’t have to be hospitalized.  No, poor Sister from NY and Love of My Life were submitted to complete freak outs.  I’m talking full on wackadoodle freak outs.  Sister from NY finally said that she wasn’t going to give me any more of the oxy, so we headed to the pharmacy to find something I could take.  With a stomach now the size of a golf ball, I have to be sure that what goes in really will help immediately.  I can’t take anything but a fast release or chewable tablet.  At the time, I was also on Coumadin.  That meant I had to stay away from certain types of pain reliever, too.  We found an acceptable alternative, and the freak outs stopped.

Sister from NY waited until I was asleep, and headed home.  She had expected me to sleep the entire time she was there, and had brought work with her.  I think one of the unexpected side effects of the oxy was I was ragingly awake all the time.  I think the freak outs were me expressing how much pain I was in and how tired I was but I couldn’t relax enough to sleep.  Once the oxy was gone, I was sleeping. 

I started eating Greek yogurt and baby food six days after surgery.  I was fine with the Greek yogurt with a little Stage 1 baby applesauce mixed into it.  Once I realized that the baby meats had additional protein in them, I was determined to add them to the yogurt.  I need to have 60 proteins per day.  Any way that I can get them into me is a good thing.  After hitting a point where I was starting to gag on the baby beef, I contacted my bariatric nutritionist.  She suggested that I throw a little taco mix powder into the cup.  It worked for a while.  My daily food intake consisted of a protein water bottle (it takes all day to drink), one container of Greek yogurt split into three cups, one jar of meat baby food split into two of those yogurt cups, and half a jar of baby applesauce in the third jar.  In addition, I also put 2 tsp. of egg whites powder into each of the containers of yogurt for an additional 2 proteins. 

I get 20 minutes to eat.  If there is food leftover, oh well.  I am following the recommendation of getting a word find book.  Remember those?  I sure do.  Every teacher who ever gave me one to do for homework or extra credit always ripped on me because I didn’t think to do it with a ruler.  Find a word, circle it.  How hard is that???  Well, the teachers never bothered to tell me that I wasn’t going to get credit due to being sloppy until after it was submitted.  NOT FAIR.  Anyway….I digress.  Teachers are another issue I have to work on.  Back to the word find.  I set my timer on my phone for 20 minutes.  I take a baby spoon bite of food.  I find three words.  I take a bite.  This slows the process of eating down considerably.  I was not one of those food breathers.  I grew up in a house where eating was a race.  Once I had kids, I knew that I didn’t want that.  So, meals became a long drawn out thing.  Now, I have to focus on the food, take my bites, and stop after 20 minutes.

There is more to catch up with on the changes I’m seeing and feeling.  That will be for the next time.

Introduction

Hey, Everyone!  I am Sarah.  I am so many things I don't even know where to start!  I started this blog on the insistence of the love of my life.  He said that with everything I had done to prep myself, I had never read anything about the patients immediately following surgery.  Since every day, there is something new, strange, and wonderful happening, I am going through a little bit of an identity crisis.  Love of my life, you were right.  This is the thing to do. 

First, a bit about me.

I am married...almost twenty years.  We have three children.  The oldest (AN ADULT!!) is off to college.  The two who are still home are teenage girls.  Every stereotype you are immediately thinking needs to be tossed out a window.  My girls have stepped up and grown up so fast and unexpectantly, they really are a joy.

In addition to being the head honcho, I also work a full time job outside of the home. 

I was a stay-at-home parent for fourteen years.  I loved every minute of it.  Anyone who thinks the stay-at-home mom does nothing but sit around at home is seriously misinformed.  SAHM work harder than anyone else.  Want to add to the work load?  Sure, why not!  For three of those years as a SAHM, I was also a teacher to my three children at home.  We cyber schooled, not home schooled.  For those of you who don't know the difference, there really isn't one, but for those who do know the difference...so do I!  While I was being a cyber Mom and SAHM, I worked on my own education, finishing up with a Masters degree.  I started attending college when I had three kids under the age of three.  So, finishing the Masters meant I had to go out and pay off those student loans.  The kids went back to brick and mortar school, and we struggled for a few years to adjust.  Once my son hit high school, he requested to come home.  He had always been a self-motivated kid and would complete the work given him, so home he came.  He completed everything early, applied to his three top schools, was accepted to all three and is now at the college of his choice.  My girls are happily skipping through high school.  They are, without a doubt, the happiest, most pleasant teenage girls I have ever met!!

I started thinking about gastric bypass many years ago.  It took me a long time to mentally get to the point where I realized I was ready to do it.  There is no point in scrambling your insides if you don't take care of the mental stuff first.  This blog was created to document what I am going through, and to use as a tool for those of you thinking about having it.  I never saw/read/heard what it was like for the day-to-day stuff post surgery.  All I ever knew was the weight would come off magically.  The adjustments I have already had to make, I feel are important to know.  This is NOT a "oh, if I'd only known, I never would have done this" blog.  This is more of a "oh, if I'd only know, I wouldn't be so FRIGGIN' SURPRISED!!" blog.