More Than I Can Handle?

Both pre- and post-operative I take on more than I probably should.  When I was a home school parent, I took on teaching three, and then one of my kids.  In addition, when I home schooled, I continued my education getting my Masters degree.  When I took on the prep work for my surgery, I was also looking for a new job, sending my oldest off to college, getting the two still home through high school, getting ready to adopt a greyhound, and holding Love of My Life's hand as he watched his mother die.

Now, post surgery, I am looking at getting another degree, pulling the kids through high school, helping my returned college student figure himself out, and work 40 hours a week with an additional 10 hours in commute time. 

Do I take on more than I should?  Yeah, probably.  Do I take on more than I can handle?  No.  I'm pretty good at stopping when I've reached my limit.  As I know I've said in the past, "I don't have any more room on my emotional plate to care about ____ ."  Sometimes that makes me feel as if I've limited an opportunity.  Typically, though, whatever I'm not making room for is something that will not impact me directly.  Selfish?  Possibly.

My manager took me in for a meeting the other day.  She told me that I was a distraction for one of my neighbors.  My neighbor's calls were way down, calling her productivity into question.  My calls were off the charts.  My manager suggested that somehow, I have the skills to hold several conversations and be incredibly productive at the same time.  Her delivery lead me to believe that this irritates her.  I'm an uncontrollable factor in her highly controlled world.

The last 72 hours have been incredibly stressful.  I had to suddenly take a 600 mile car ride to collect my college student and bring him home.  The ride was through a winter storm.  The ride typically takes 11-12 hours.  I collected him and his belongings, went to the hotel, and then drove home through the tail end of the storm...all with little sleep.

During this harrowing drive, I mentally went through all my past behaviors.  Long drive and tired?  Grab some Diet Dr. Pepper.  Long drive and alone?  Grab a bag of chips and candy.  Even during the times I was dieting, this was pretty standard.  I might go with sugar free candy, a low carb option, or a jar of peanuts.  Not this trip.  I kept my B-12 handy, just in case I got a little tired.  Since I was powering through three states and trying to end my trip as quickly as possible, I did not stop to eat properly.  Instead, I made quickie pit-stops to get cheese sticks and nuts. 

Was that kind of trip too much, too soon for me?  Probably.  Was there an alternative?  Not really.  College student HAD to come home. 


Spending that amount of time with my mind was quite interesting.  I contemplated the ideas of soda, chips, and candy.  I contemplated skipping eating until I arrived.  I contemplated everything I can't do.  At the end of the contemplations, I realized that I really wasn't missing out on anything.  I also knew that skipping meals was not an option.

I also went through all the hurdles I've crossed over the last three months.  I took the children to the dentist.  There are small chairs at the dentist.  In the past, I have always stood in the office or hung around reception talking with the receptionists.  I didn't fit in the chairs.  This time, I sat!  I sat in the chair!!  I FIT IN THE FRICKIN' CHAIR!!  I almost fell out of a computer chair at work because I was busy twisting trying to fit into the armed chair instead of just sitting.  I feel good.  I'm working out at a fairly consistent rate.  I look good.

I am not taking on more than I can handle.  When or if I do, I know the channels I will have to go through for support.  Love of My Life always has my back.  It doesn't matter how irritated he makes me, he does love me.  I have my support group.  I have my therapist.  Most importantly, I have me.

Happy New Year!

My entire life, I have listened to people make New Year's Resolutions.  I remember in grade school, we had to make them as part of some silly writing exercise.  Mine were typically something like being nicer to my brother, work harder at school, be a better person, etc.  Once those ridiculous elementary years were over, I didn't have to pretend anymore.  Of course, in high school, all the girls would talk about how the new year meant they had to start watching their weight.  That got tiresome even faster than the writing.

I have no problems with the idea of resolutions.  It shouldn't take the start of a new year to make them, that's all.  There is so much emphasis on January being the "best" time to start making positive changes.  Look at the number of commercials for gyms that start immediately after Christmas.  How many of those gyms are bursting at capacity in January only to be empty by mid-February?  I don't think it's because people don't want positive changes in their lives.  I think it's because they emphasize that they can only make changes in January and once January is over and they don't see immediate change, they quit.

I made a resolution last year that I was going to have my surgery.  I went to all the classes and all the pre-operative doctor appointments.  I went to the support group.  I accepted that the positive change in my life was going to take time and a whole hell of a lot of effort.  This was NOT going to be easy.  I had my operation in October.  Almost three months post-op and I am still working hard.  I am not where I want to be, but I am making the effort to get there.  A change of life does not happen at the turn of a calendar page.  It happens when we are mentally ready to commit.

I have been working out regularly in the gym in the basement of my work building.  I go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I go specifically those days and not three days per week.  I've gone from 10 minutes to 25 minutes of treadmill and stationary bike.  I am now at 15th speed on the bike.  I cannot extend my time any more, because my work is a bunch of clockwatchers.  I can, as I have, increase the resistance on the machines I am on.  I had a co-worker ask me to go downstairs with her on Tuesday.  I said that I couldn't because I only go down M, W, and F.  She asked me why, and I told her the truth.  If I don't go those specific days, then the week will get away from me and I just won't bother.  She thought it was great that I was dedicated to going down those days and following through on those days.

Life at home is up and down.  My son is still home for his winter break.  He'll be going back to school in two days.  He still seems to expect to have pizza, chips, soda, and other crap in the house.  He doesn't really get how things have changed with food.  He likes the stuff I've been cooking and has helped himself to generous portions.  I don't think that he gets that this food I've been cooking is now the norm in the house.  The girls have adapted to life with the protein high foods.  I just get easily frustrated with everything because I am not chock full of sugar and caffeine to keep things moving.  Everyone is old enough now to be a help.  Still, if I am not running the show, everything goes in the crapper.  It's very frustrating and I don't see any way to fix it.